I thought I did. I preached it, I walked with my nose in the air and I put on the biggest front as if I just knew I was worth the up-most respect and true love. I even bragged about my man spoiling me and giving me whatever I wanted, even if it was as small as getting the remote from the other side of the room because I was too lazy to get up, he did it, with no hesitation. And I think that was the problem. I got so accustomed to being catered to with the smallest gestures that the most important ones seemed to not exist. I felt like I deserved and I was obligated to get everything I wanted. In the right, healthy, humbled and grateful mind yes, but I was far from there. And yea, I know they say it’s the small things that matter the most, but in this case, I let things slip through the crack, like ALL the way. So much that my expectations from men and more importantly, myself had lowered. I had accepted verbal and physical abuse, I myself was verbally and physically abusive to others, I didn’t know how to say no to people, I took the first offer on things without negotiation, I didn’t have many boundaries and to make matters worse, my empathic ways always won the battle. I remember getting so mad, I mean boiling hot, raging, like a crazy woman over being called a bitch that I grabbed a knife (yea, a KNIFE) and threatened to use it against my ex. He never called me out of my name despite the many arguments we got into, so that one time I was outraged. The fact that something made me feel so unhuman-like and angry inside, I knew something had to change. One thing that I was aware of at the time was that if someone said something to you and you got offended by it, there was some sort of truth or trigger hit and in knowing that, I had to do some soul digging to figure out why I was so triggered from a word. And in today’s world, that’s what the word BITCH does to a lot of females. No matter how it is used, even when playing around, it makes you feel unworthy of and less than. Despite how the word makes you feel now, I invite you to remove whatever meaning you have in your head about it. Because truth is, it is just a WORD. When I started to deepen my yoga practice about mid 2018, I began to learn the keys to mindfulness and peace and going through teacher training to become a yoga teacher just put the icing on the cake. It really taught me how to love myself and all of my flaws in depth. It taught me to be more patient and kind with myself. That the way I thought about others was the way that I thought about myself. With that awareness alone, I started to noticed how I would judge others and how much I would talk about people with my friends and peers. I realized that what I was putting out was what I really felt inside and each day I started to be a bit more kind towards myself. I started to be more aware of the way people were speaking about others knowing it was a reflection of how they felt about their selves. This taught me self-love and self-worth.
Being aware of your own actions so much that you become aware of others.
Being so kind and forgiving to yourself that you start to show compassion and kindness to others. Because YOU GET IT & HAVE EXPERIENCED It. You know what it feels like to live a shitty life and go through a shitty situation and have your feelings and thoughts emit onto others either through words or actions. Unintentionally and unknowing that your actions are caused by past experiences and feelings.
Some people question why they should be humble instead of flaunting their confidence through the roof. Well, to me being humble is a reflection of one’s gratitude. We take a lot of things in life for granted. Bragging and flaunting to me is a sign of saying you are better than. To feel like you are better than means that you think someone else is less than. When you think that someone else is less than instead of equal (which we all are), you are passing judgement whether you think so or not. When you judge and what you’re unconsciously judging about is ultimately a reflection of your own insecurities that you’re bragging about. In other words, to me, if you’re not humble, your screaming your insecurities loud and clear.
If you know you need to change something and your awareness is bringing those things to you through a gut feeling, that little voice in your head or through the outcomes of situations, take action. Make the change and don’t wait to do it. Those gut feelings and insights we are fed come at the right time in the right moments for a reason and the more you ponder on reasons your making up in your head why you can’t do it, the more precious time you are wasting making that change and receiving the rewarding outcome for doing so.
How you treat others is a reflection of how you treat yourself. What you put out is what god gives back to you. Some people will question why their life is going in the direction that it is going, but if you think about the things you’ve said to people, the selfish intentions behind your actions and ignoring all those gut feelings telling you to take a different route, karmic outcomes are bound to arise.
If you are aware, humble, kind to yourself and others, you take action to the messages you receive right away and you put out good, you will know that a simple word such as BITCH or any other word that makes you feel out of your element inside, doesn’t merely define your worth of that deep rooted, loving light of a human that you are, but rather a reflection of whose mouth it comes out of. Don’t scream your insecurities and most importantly, Know your worth, BITCH.